I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work … I want to achieve it through not dying.

More than any other time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

A ‘Bay Area Bisexual’ told me I didn’t quite coincide with either of her desires.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Child molestation is a touchy subject…. Read the papers! Half the country’s doing it!

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Hey, don’t knock masturbation! It’s sex with someone I love.